My appologies

I have been meaning to make a post recently, however, things have gotten my head in a spin. I have several topics that I wish to cover. Yet, I find myself unable to put them down. It isn't that I don't have time, it is more an inability to focus. Life continues to hit me on the side of the head. I had many hours in which to compose, but emotionally and mentally I didn't have it within myself. Maybe you can consider it a mild case of depression.

Shortly after publishing my previous post about life events I found out that my grandmother was in the hospital. A lot of my thoughts were dedicated to her and hoping that she would get out. She lives a little over a hundred kilometres away and a made the trip out to visit her. Her husband, my grandfather, died a few years ago. I remember hearing about his hospitalization very clearly. I had been taking a summer class at the time and made the trip out to visit him right after a test. I heard about his passing away shortly after.

Death is never easy for an atheist. There is no illusion of an afterlife. We only have the hear and now. That is why, it is even more important to ensure that we do our best to express ourselves to those we love and care for. There is no second chance. It likely wont matter for the dead, death is, strangely about the living. Those who have to live on with memories and regrets.

I made the trip out to visit my grandmother, breaking a few traffic laws, I am not supposed to listen to music while I travel, nor am I supposed to travel after dark, well, I am not willing to miss the chance. Luckily, she wasn't in the worst shape, but she wasn't released quickly. To the best of my knowledge she is still in the hospital. My family broke her out a few days ago to bring her to an aunt's house for Christmas. I was able to talk to her for a few minutes, calling from work.

Another reason I didn't have much energy, I was working for 72 hours last week, and when I came home, I was all alone. The princess was still staying at her mom's, and and she still is tonight. So, I am alone once again, I don't like being alone.

Back on topic. Death. I hate it. The death of a living thing is a depressing thought. Even for a creature as small as a worm. I would like to say that we, as a species, are ready to move beyond, but, I can't claim that. I eat meat as much as most people do. That is, most people living in a first world country.

We don't know what happens after death. If you look at most religious belief, the claims are either vague, or insane. You don't rule over a planet, like the Mormons claim. You don't go to some describe place as most Christian denominations, and their bible, describe. No land of milk and honey. We don't even have proof that a soul exists to substantiate reincarnation for Hindu and Buddhist sects. All we know is, that your mortal body dies, and once the brain is dead, you don't come back.

So, the funerals and grieving is mostly for the living. To try and get past the pain and loss, the regrets. I don't want to have those regrets, so I did my best to express myself. I don't know if my grandmother, after her physical body will pass, will have something that carries on, beyond that which she has influenced in this world. I wish she did, but so far, no evidence to suggest otherwise. Either way, I am greatly connected to the being that she is. I love her, she has influenced me greatly, and I want to be with her and ensure that she knows this. So, I do what I can. I don't hide my emotions, beyond my fear, and remind her that I care for her.

Her birthday recently passed, and I made sure to travel out to see her, the princess came with me. It was enjoyable, but short.

My grandmother is the last of my grandparents, which adds some importance to her. My father's father passed away when I was around 11 or 12. I didn't make it to his funeral. I remember some emotional turmoil,,but it wasn't well developed or focused. He lived to around 84 and I do miss him. I remember him driving me to kindergarten. My mother's father was the second to go. He passed away when he was in his 70s. I don't know what shape he was in. He was the one whom I was informed of his hospitalization while in class. It was depressing, but at least I made it out to visit him. My father's mother passed while I was in Japan. It was tough, but I had written a letter to her while I was over there and was told that it was found open in her bedroom. I think she read it. I found out on my weekend, and had to teach classes two days later.

It was difficult, but I held a small, ritual if you will, to help with the grieving.I worote a letter to her, found a small river and burned the letter, letting the ashes fall in the stream. I don't know where the inspiration came from. But it helped purge the emotions. I don't know if there is an afterlife, likely not. But,I had to work through the emotions.

I don't know how much longer my grandmother has to live. I hope to celebrate her next birthday. But, either way, I plan to celebrate every day I have the chance to visit her. Life is tough, we, as a species, have conquered much, but, we still are powerless against the natural forces of this universe. We don't have a long time to live, and a shorter time to share with specific people. So, make the best of your time here and celebrate life.